I'm going to try to express what I'm feeling right now, but I'm not sure I'll be able to get it out in words. Last night I discovered that an old friend of mine lost her battle with breast cancer. She was my age, she had three children, two boys and a girl. Even though I haven't seen her in many years we reconnected through Facebook and I've enjoyed seeing pics of her sweet kids and prayed for her through this painful cancer journey. As I read her best friends blog post last night about her last few days, all I could do was cry, my tears were for her husband, her sweet kiddos, who have to grow up without their mommy's hugs and kisses and for her sweet BFF Christy, who will forever feel like a part of her is missing. Kathy was a beautiful girl, inside and out, she loved the Lord, and I rejoice in knowing that she is in Heaven, free of pain!
After the shock wore off last night and my tears lessened, I began to pray. The past six months have been super hard for me. Chad has been gone due to his job for the past six months, and will more than likely be gone for another six to nine months, maybe even longer. He visits about every 6 weeks for about 5 days. This is hard, hard on a marriage, hard on our kids, hard on me. But, not as hard as losing a wife or mother, not even close. Kathy's death has been a huge wake up call to me, and when I say huge, I mean SCREAMING IN MY FACE, HUGE!!!
In the past six months, I've been selfish, constantly whining about how unfair it is that I have to do this by myself. I have been short tempered with my kids, impatient, inattentive, and most of the time, just plain angry. I am ashamed and saddened by the person I have been, especially to my children. The same thought kept running through my brain last night and this morning. Why Kathy? She was one of the sweetest people, she adored her husband and her kids, she loved Jesus, but yet God called her home. Don't get me wrong, I adore my husband and kids too, and I love Jesus, but, man do I screw up, a lot, daily! If anything, this has made me take a good hard look at my life, and I don't want to just "get by" anymore. I want to live each day giving God glory for every precious blessing in my life, no matter how big or small, I want each of my children to know, without a shadow of a doubt how much their mommy loves them! I want my kids to know Jesus, because they can see Him in their mother. I want more and more and more of God in my life, I want to forgive others like Christ. I want to Christ to touch the lives of others, through me, using me as His vessel. I WILL remember that every day is a gift from God, we are not promised tomorrow.
This year has been a year of hard, hard lessons. I've lost friendships, experienced the absence of a husband, dealt with health issues, struggled with my children, had financial trouble and dealt with many family issues, but I will praise Him for each and every trial, because through it all, I've learned so much about God's grace and His mercy, He has used each experience to grow me and my faith.
Today, I sit here at this computer, and my soul is heavy, my heart hurts, and I am crying for Kathy's family, but I am praising Jesus at the same time, because I can already see how He is using this for His glory. Thank you Jesus and thank you Kathy, for teaching me some very valuable lessons about life! It is very precious, and we shouldn't take one single day for granted! I will miss you friend, but this is not the end, I will be hugging you in Heaven some day!
