God is faithful, even when I'm not.

I've gone back and forth in my mind about whether I should write this post or not, but I feel that I have to get it out, write it down, move forward.  On August 1st my husband found out that he would be losing his job of 12 years.  When he told me I felt my stomach drop and the tears began to fall.  In the days that followed we prayed, prayed and prayed some more.  Chad had such a great attitude about it all and I felt that even though it was a shock, we were going to be ok, God was going to use this opportunity to move us on to bigger and better things.  Chad had stayed in a job that was safe, but it was never something that he loved, so even though I was super scared, I was glad for Chad to have a new opportunity.  Two months, we had two months before Chad would be unemployed.  For 2 months we filled out online applications, mailed out resumes, went to interviews, endured phone screens, you name it, Chad did it.  We would get excited about an opportunity only to have the door shut time and time again.  He applied to tons and tons of places, not one. single. offer. 

His last day at his job came and went and we were officially unemployed.  The first time ever for Chad.  On week 2 of his unemployment Chad was offered a job.  He took it.  I wish I could say I was thrilled.  I was not.  Chad took a job with a roofing company where he is a roofing inspector, he checks out peoples roofs, works with the insurance company, works on the jobsite until the roof is complete.  Sounds cool, right?  Sure its cool, he loves it, but for his stability loving wife, there are just a few problems.  It is a completely comission based job.  No sales means no income.  The other problem?  Roofs are typically done in the spring and summer, and we are heading into winter.  Cold weather means no roofs.  No roofs means no income.  No income means stability loving wife gets very, very scared.

Here's where I am going to get real, its not going to be pretty, but it is the truth.  I have not handled this well.  I have not been very supportive to my husband.  I have not prayed enough and I have not been trusting my God.  My husband has, but I have not.  I've cried.  A lot.  I've been pretty ugly and nasty to my husband.  I have felt so sorry for myself and I have been pretty much wallowing in my self pity.  I'm ashamed to admit this, because as I type I can list so many people who I know that are going through much worse things.  Two families that I know of have lost a baby, another family member had a miscarriage, another friend is going through a complicated and dangerous pregnancy, some long time friends are dealing with a serious health issue, a bible study partner is going through chemo, a fellow imom is fighting cancer, and those are just the ones that I am thinking of right now, but there are more.

I know that our situation is going to get better, I know that this is just a season, and I know my God is faithful.  But what amazes me is how faithful He is when I am not.  I have whined and cried and bellyached about our situation and what does God do?  He blesses me.  Yesterday I received a certified letter in the mail and when I opened it there was a card explaining that it was from someone who wished to remain anonymous and inside the card was a gift card to Walmart.  As I read the card over and over, tears started to fall, but this time they were falling because I was so grateful for the grace of God that I totally do not deserve.  I do NOT deserve the love Jesus showers upon me.  I told Chad, that I feel guilty receiving such a blessing when I have acted like such a brat.  Chad reminded me that as parents we want to give our children good things even when they don't deserve it and God is no different, He wants great things for us, even when we act like spoiled brats.

I am not proud of my behavior, but I am humbled.  I am extremely grateful, and I am learning. I am going to look at our situation as a blessing, because I believe that is how the Lord wants me to look at it.  He is in control, He is God and He will provide.  Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness and help me to trust you every single day.

Matthew 14:31 Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"